I have been trying to expand to new ways of thinking.  One of my problem areas (emotionally) is that I am extremely territorial.  It is hard for me to open up completely to people.  I am weird in that my life is basically an open book but when someone wants to come in and becomes too close to the point where I feel threatened, I back off.

It’s not that I desire to be the queen-bee, insecurity is the name of the game here.  Feelings of inadequacy surface time after time and the only way I feel on top of my game in my life (i.e. with husb and the kids) is to push everyone who continues to become close to me… away.

Some days I think that if I were a dog, i’d be a little ankle biter dog.

Anyway, one of my source problems is with my Mother-in-law.  I think she is a fantastic lady and extremely kind and generous.  However, there is another part to her that I don’t understand.  She always wants to “help” me and in a way, it makes me feel inadequate.  She also uses terms around the kids like… “hey Owen, are you grandma’s boy?”  OR  “Hi grandma’s girl!”  (the last said to my daughter).  I don’t know why… but sometimes I feel that she feels that I am inadequate at being a mom and wife.  So, I push her away.  I don’t want to get to close because i’m not altogether sure what she thinks of me or what she wants from me.

We do this dance, MIL and I… where we get close and then not-so-close.  It’s confusing… this hot and cold relationship of ours.

Since having the third baby, she has been around a lot more wanting to help.  All of my insides scream “NOOO!” because I am afraid of losing ground or afraid that she might think I am weak and cannot handle the responsibilities of being a mom and wife.   The more logical and at this point tired part of my brain feels that she just wants to be close to us.  ALL of us… including me.  She wants a good relationship with her grandchildren and husb and I.

So, I have been letting her come over and help.  My guard has been down with her and though I feel uneasy about it sometimes, I am trying to get closer to her.

I haven’t figured out why I have this problem.  It is like I am so afraid of her rejection.  Maybe it is because all of my other boyfriends had parents who disapproved of me.  So this is my way of making sure that doesn’t happen again.

Husb and I are extremely committed to our marriage and eachother.  Still… I can’t help but feeling as though the marriage is a delicate flower that I need to protect fiercely.

In any case, I truly am trying to be more warm and open with my MIL.  Maybe she’ll come to truly love me some day.