I finally did it.  I spoke with my doctor about depression, postpartum depression and impending ppd.  He was extremely not helpful.  He said that it was probably 3rd trimester hormones and then basically left it up to me to decide whether or not I wanted anti-depressants.  Of course, my first thought was for the baby.  I wanted to make sure that the baby would not be harmed if I chose to go on anti-depressants.  He said that the baby (at this point) is fully formed so no harm should come.

I chose the anti-depressants.  I know myself to the degree that I know when i’m not feeling like “me”.  I asked him for a low-dose of something.  He proceeded to say that it is not a magical pill that makes everything all better.  My reaction:  DUH.  I just want to feel more even with my emotions.  I’m asking to feel “okay” rather than down all the time with my mind racing.  What I have been through has hardly been a pleasant experience for me.  I certainly do not expect any pill to “make it all better”.  I just want to feel a little less like I am down all the time and going to go insane.  Too much to ask?  I think not.

I have to admit that after the appointment, I balled like a baby.  This has been coming to a head for so long.  You have no idea how much courage it took to actually open up to the doctor about it.  I finally admitted to myself that I needed help and I finally sought it.  The sucky thing is, that my doctor was less than supportive.  His bed manner sucked quite frankly.

It has been exactly 1 week and 1 day since I have been taking the pills.  To my delight, I feel “even-keeled” emotionally.  My thoughts aren’t racing, I am not crying like a mad woman one minute and just plain old sad the next, I feel nothing and I feel not so overwhelmed.  Even my focus has gotten on track!

Depression aside, there are things within me that I want to change.  This is something no pill can do for me.  I wasn’t looking to take anti-depressants to feel happy, I just wanted to feel not sad and without hope.

The next phase of “finding myself” will include digging deeper into some personal issues I have not dealt with.  There are things I need to do in order to find my happy spot in life.