Finding the motivation to lose weight is easy.  Inspiration is in abundance when it comes to getting healthy, especially on the internet.  Whole online communities are created so that people like me can have a strong support group and make new friends.

The problem is… i’m having trouble getting started.  I am addicted to fast food and carbs.  I have been very conscious lately of what I have been putting in my mouth.  That is, I am aware of what I eat and no matter how bad it might be for me, I continue to eat it.

Part of my bad habits when it comes to food is the emotional response to the baby crying or the kids crying and/or misbehaving.  I am attuned to eating because simply because of emotion.  In fact, more than half the time I eat because of emotion and not of hunger.  I don’t give my body a chance to get to the hunger part.

I want to exercise but am on restriction due to the c-section.  I have another month to go before I can get into a routine.  So, it is almost as though I am subconsciously telling myself to eat, drink and be merry because I really can’t start this journey until I am off exercise restriction.

Realizing this is somewhat disheartening because I feel like I am oh-so-close to success, yet so indescribably far away emotionally.  I think the next step to take is to be held accountable for my weight loss.  So far, I have only admitted to my husband that I want to get healthy and begin living again.  Still… husb has a hard time supporting me with the weight loss decision because he fights the same demons.  In that way, we are not good for eachother because we keep advocating the sickness.

In all of this of one thing I am certain:

Talk is cheap.  Time to put my money where my mouth is.

Late yesterday, my husband and I had an epiphany together.  I finally opened up to him and told him about my depression, weight gain, and general unhappiness with myself.

I am so in love with him and my children but I am not in love with myself.  The depression is sending me spiraling down a rabbit hole and at the moment, I am having a tough time looking to the bright side.

After weighing in at 307 pounds last Monday, I realize that things need to change.  99% of my confidence and depression issues stem from not losing the weight post pregnancy and gaining even more on top of that.  It is a vicious cycle that plays on my emotions.  To succumb to it is only natural for me because that’s what I have done from pre-teen years to now.

I have decided to try and lose some weight before the baby is born.  No crash diets for me, though I have always known that carbs are my enemy.  Well, to a certain extent anyway.  I am two steps away from developing full blown diabetes.  I love sugar, bread and anything made with yeasty goodness.

When I was younger, my motivation was to get sexy and enjoy the bar hopping life.  To find a companion and fall madly in love.  To feel good about myself and party enough to have no regrets.  About 6 months ago, I had to revamp those goals.  I have a husband I love, children I adore and a life that is altogether pretty darn good (knock on wood).  So what is my motivation now?

After spending 6 months asking myself that question, it comes down to this:

My motivation is…… me.  I want to be good to myself which will in turn allow me to be better for my family.  I want to enjoy life again (something I have not done fully in 5 years).  I want to enjoy shopping, sex, trips out, get togethers with friends and family.  I want to be active for my kids.  I want them to embrace a healthy life style and I want to have fun with them.  How simple is that?  I want to put the fun back into life.

Death at an early age scares me.  With the depression and poor lifestyle habits (eating crap food and getting absolutely NO exercise) I am afraid that the powers that be will decide I am a lost cause.  I can’t do that to my children.  I can’t do that to my husband.  I can’t do that to myself.

So, important decisions were made.  My husband and I have decided to health up.  No more fast food, soda pop or anything remotely resembling junk.  Once we can get that out of our systems, we can begin to build back up with healthy foods.  Sure, there will be times we will want to spring for pizza or some other fast food but we’ll be armed with better habits.  For now, it is better to not touch fast food altogether.  Too much temptation.

The second decision is that I vow to get 30 minutes of exercise everyday.  I’m going to start out with walking.  After the baby is born, I will start to bike ride again.

Third, I have decided that I will talk to my doctor about putting me on anti-depression meds.  I need them right now.

There’s no doubt about it.

I cannot do this alone.

I don’t know what is wrong with me.  One moment i’m on an even path of consciousness and the next I feel like i’m fighting just to breathe.

Today was a bad day.  Maybe it’s because of lack of sleep.  Maybe it’s because yesterday I had two big glasses of caffeinated goodness in the form of Coca Cola.   Today I felt like crap.

I woke up this morning and found that my adorable son put poo all over the carpet.  He’s 3 and 100% potty trained.  He had to go poo and chose to do it in his pants.  Not liking the way it felt, he decided to pull said pants off and spread the poo around.  I was so frustrated and irritated in that moment.  Not a good way to wake up for sure.

Then, the rest of the day dragged by.  It was deliciously sunny and warm outside but I could not seem to muster up some enthusiasm to take the kids outside.  We spent the day inside where I was a very tired and cranky mumma.  My bebes were fed and taken care of but the house was not touched.  As of right now, it looks like a tornado whipped through.

I didn’t get dressed either.  I have been doing a daily ritual (since October) of taking a shower and putting on a clean pair of PJs after.  I don’t put on makeup, I don’t do my hair up all cute and I look like a disaster on a daily basis.  I know that my husband minds but he does not say anything.  The only thing he says is that once this baby is born… I am going back to normal people clothes.

I have to admit i’m off my game in a big way right now.  Some days are good.  I feel clear and happy on those days.  Other days, it is as if a dark cloud follows and watches my every move.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why do I feel as if i’m two steps away from throwing myself off of a cliff?

My weight doesn’t help.  I currently tip the scales at 300 pounds.  Not a glory mark to be sure.  I’m eating the wrong things, crying and just plain ol’ feeling miserable right now.  Every part of my pelvic and hip area hurts like a mo’ fo’.  I want to exercise but I can barely walk.  I’m a skinny person trapped in a GoodYear Blimp.

I want to analyze why today has been so shitty but I have a headache and my puffy eyes are begging to be closed.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t wallow in this house because this is a new house.  New house.  New Mia.  See how this is supposed to work?  These walls are going to soak up all of this negative energy and then spit it back out onto us all.  I cannot let that happen.