I don’t want to jinx it but I have been feeling really good lately.  I feel like I am more able to breath and that the world holds a multitude of opportunity and joy once again.

Why is life so moment to moment?  Just as I feel good today with good thoughts and good will toward fellow human beings, tomorrow could be the exact opposite.  It never ceases to amaze me how life takes on a different aura every day, week, month, year.

So you know how I have discussed in previous entries that I am overweight and that my feelings toward being overweight are far from a “fat positive” point of view.  Recently, I decided that I need to quit punishing myself for being overweight.  I have failed to search or buy myself cute clothes for almost 2 years.  That means, I wore old jeans that didn’t fit right or (1 year into it), a couple of different pairs of sweat pants and whatever t-shirt my husband had clean.  Ouch.  No wonder I was so depressed!

I feel that in order for me to lose the weight I so desire, I have to start being happy with who I am… no matter my size.  I have based so much of my self-worth on numbers (the number on the scale and the size on my clothes) for so long.  I quit treating myself right and started punishing myself.  I let my weight determine how i was going to feel on a daily basis.

I want to quit doing that.  I want to shut off that negative voice in my head that keeps telling me I am worth very little because of my weight.  I want to quit blanching everytime I see a picture of myself.  More importantly, I don’t want my children to see me this way or have to live this way.  Regardless of my weight and how I look… I can still be fun.  I can still be the mom they deserve.

I came across a rather good blog once and in it, the blogger stated that she felt she was taking away something from her family everytime she put unhealthy food in her mouth or spewed forth negativity in regards to her weight.  That blog entry spoke to me.

Now… I need to put those words into action.

Guilt is an emotion that rises after a wrongdoing, which may be contrary to one’s own or cultural values. Guilt is a common emotional reaction to our defending Inner Critic, proclaiming, “You have broken a rule and you should (not), must (not), or ought (not) behave like this means, guilt implies that you did something ‘wrong’.” Feeling guilty often amplifies personal shame, and feels similar to it. Moderate (”normal”) guilt promotes healthy personal decisions.

There is a different between guilt and shame, guilt is about our actions taken; shame is about the self-behavior. (Charminghealth.com) Often the causes of “Feeling guilty and holding ourselves responsible for all wrongdoings“ are more mental than physical. A bad relationship, poor self image, a history of abuse, stress, frustration and many other factors can change your overall attitude towards life which may directly impede your overall performance. Such tendencies are deep-rooted in mind and nurtured by excessive Negative Emotions (Charminghealth.com)

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt guilty and shameful for things that were not my fault.  If something went wrong in my parent’s marriage, I felt as if it were my fault.  If our house was somehow a mess, it was all me.  The guilt complex has (I believe) helped in fucking me over emotionally.  So to speak.

There are so many instances where I would find myself eating out of guilt or shame.  The intense feelings lead to an inner voice that told me I deserved to be fat.  That I was fated to be fat because of all of my bad choices.  I told myself that I was not good enough to be thin.  Though I have always tried to be a good person, I have always felt like a bad person.  Feeling bad about myself turned into a ritual of name calling and naming off a list of good things that I certainly did not deserve.   So down the hatch went the krispy kremes.  Who gives a fuck, right?  I’m unlovable so why care?

That was me then.

When I was in school, kids were especially cruel.  Not a day went by that a disparaging “fat comment” wasn’t called out.  The butt of everyone’s jokes… that is who I was.  I let it define me when I was in school.

Now, i’m an adult who has three kids and I find myself sliding back to adolescent Mia.  As it stands, I feel hugely guilty everyday.  I feel that i’m not an adequate mom, wife or friend.

My inner critic is loud and proud.  She has started taking on the voice of my mother.  My mother is an extremely critical person and has been critical of me my whole life.  I don’t blame her for the choices she made as I do not believe she could have reacted any other way.  Being critical and controlling is ingrained in her.  It is how she was treated as a child.  Unfortunately, I am my mother’s daughter.  I find myself to be critical but I try to up the anti with sweetness and encouragement.

I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that I would not treat another human being as I was treated.  I made a promise that I would always encourage my children to be their very best and that I would always be their biggest fan no matter what.

Now the question becomes; why do I find it most difficult to be my own biggest fan?  The “present me” wants so desperately to get the inner critic to take a breather and shut up for awhile.  I want the voice to change over to the inner encourager.  Let that voice take the reigns for awhile.

I’m trying to sift through the things in my life (from then to now).  I don’t blame my parents for everything or anything really.  Certain instances that happened in my childhood certainly played part in where I am at today, but it only defines who I am if I let it.

I am the only one in control of me.  Not my parents, not my husband… just me.

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Reference:

Excessive Guilt, Feeling extremely guilty. Retrieved April 23, 2008, from CharmingHealth.com Web site: http://www.charminghealth.com/applicability/guilt.htm