It is hard to be depressed and isolated socially.  Toward the middle of my second trimester, husb and I moved to another part of the state.  Sure it was only less than an hour away from where we used to live but with the rising price of gas it felt like we were moving an eternity away.

When the darkness started rolling in, I had hit the end of my 2nd trimester and the wee beginning of the 3rd.  I felt increasingly tired all of the time but more so than the average tiredness, I was constantly weepy, my mind went crazy during the day, my focus was lacking and I got so easily frustrated with my children over small things.  I felt like a mental and emotional wreck that was only two steps away from a breakdown.

The other emotion I felt quite frequently was that I enjoyed being alone more than I enjoyed being with people.  I wanted nothing more than to stew in my darkness… alone.  As a turtle in a shell, I would shy away from any social gatherings and would shy away from meeting with people who were happy.  I also did not want to be close to anyone other than husb and the kids.  I pushed a lot of people away for fear that they would see through my “fake-happy” exterior to the mental hell I was going through and do the worst thing possible (well, in my mind at least)… which was … judge me.

I didn’t want people to see through me.  I didn’t want them to glimps into the private hell of my mind to see a woman who was struggling to regain focus, ambition, and harmony.  It is no fun when you are not at peace with yourself.

I realized really quickly that it was harder for me to be away from my friends.  Sure, they were only less than an hour away but in retrospect, it felt like a lifetime in distance.

Then, I came across this article that links social isolation and depression.  This excerpt really hit home with me:

Women who said they did not have the support of family, friends, and a partner were nearly four times more likely to develop the disorder.

Having positive support from family and friends really helps the mental well-being of women who find themselves pregnant whether it be unexpected or planned.

I finally did it.  I spoke with my doctor about depression, postpartum depression and impending ppd.  He was extremely not helpful.  He said that it was probably 3rd trimester hormones and then basically left it up to me to decide whether or not I wanted anti-depressants.  Of course, my first thought was for the baby.  I wanted to make sure that the baby would not be harmed if I chose to go on anti-depressants.  He said that the baby (at this point) is fully formed so no harm should come.

I chose the anti-depressants.  I know myself to the degree that I know when i’m not feeling like “me”.  I asked him for a low-dose of something.  He proceeded to say that it is not a magical pill that makes everything all better.  My reaction:  DUH.  I just want to feel more even with my emotions.  I’m asking to feel “okay” rather than down all the time with my mind racing.  What I have been through has hardly been a pleasant experience for me.  I certainly do not expect any pill to “make it all better”.  I just want to feel a little less like I am down all the time and going to go insane.  Too much to ask?  I think not.

I have to admit that after the appointment, I balled like a baby.  This has been coming to a head for so long.  You have no idea how much courage it took to actually open up to the doctor about it.  I finally admitted to myself that I needed help and I finally sought it.  The sucky thing is, that my doctor was less than supportive.  His bed manner sucked quite frankly.

It has been exactly 1 week and 1 day since I have been taking the pills.  To my delight, I feel “even-keeled” emotionally.  My thoughts aren’t racing, I am not crying like a mad woman one minute and just plain old sad the next, I feel nothing and I feel not so overwhelmed.  Even my focus has gotten on track!

Depression aside, there are things within me that I want to change.  This is something no pill can do for me.  I wasn’t looking to take anti-depressants to feel happy, I just wanted to feel not sad and without hope.

The next phase of “finding myself” will include digging deeper into some personal issues I have not dealt with.  There are things I need to do in order to find my happy spot in life.