Since defining my mainline problem of being extremely insecure, I actually feel as though a large weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Going through some of my not-so-proud moments, I realize that being insecure has been a driving force in many of my emotional reactions and decision-making process.

When I was 18 and halfway into my senior year at a community college, I was involved in a very lustful (thought it was real love at the time) relationship and decided to move in with him to another part of the state.  I did it because A)  He told me that if I didn’t he couldn’t see us lasting as long relationships are hard and B) I wanted the security of having him near.

As much as I would like to regret that decision, I can’t.  Had I not moved in with him and let things disintegrate naturally from a distance, then the probability of getting to where I am today would be slim.  However, I now recognize that I made a huge decision just based on insecurity and not based on logic or even a strong gut feeling.

I have also have kept my mother-in-law at bay from the moment I met her.  There were a few times I got angry over stupid things in regards to a situation she happened to be in or on the edge of and *now* I recognize why.  I had thought it was her.  Now I realize it was me.

I have always felt (at least to some degree), that I needed to keep this perfect image around her.  I never wanted her to see then (or even now) my vulnerabilities and weaknesses.  Being myself around the MIL has never been easy for me.  I feel like I smile even when I don’t feel like smiling.  During those times, I wonder if cracks are forming at the edge of my upturned lips to show how fake I really am being at the moment.

The fakeness comes from not wanting to face the emotions head-on.  Or at least, not wanting to be honest about my emotions.  For the sake of peace, I fake it.  Then again, some of the turmoil in the relationship with my MIL is due to my own insecurities and fear that she will take over and deem me not good enough for her son or even my own children.

I have a hard time believing that she could ever really love me for real and not just because I am her son’s wife and the mother of her grandchildren.

So I know that I have come at least one tiny step ahead in this situation.  There are varying degrees of insecurity in all facets of my life.  I want to fix them and overcome these demons.

I guess that’s why I have this blog…right?

The current path I am on in the journey to find myself has lead me to the stop of reconciling my insecurities.  So many of my relationships and the somewhat negative way I handle them has to do a lot with how I feel about myself.

I had come to believe (a long time ago) that who I was rested solely on how I looked.  I’m not really sure where I got this notion that how I looked and presented myself mattered more than the inner substance of who I was… but it’s something I have held on to for a long time.  Unlike some of my personality traits… this one has become unwavering and constant.

There have been times (past and present) where I have actually quit talking to people and distanced myself from good friends because of my insecurities.  Irrationally I had thought that they didn’t want just me but always wanted something from me.  That individually I was worth nothing unless someone wanted something.

I worry about my friends taking my husband away from me.  I worry constantly about him cheating on me and finding someone else to occupy his time.  It hasn’t hit me yet that I am worthy of his love or more than good enough for him.  I have even taken issue with my mother-in-law because I feel deep inside that there is no possible way she could love me and that she is only looking at my faults.  It’s as though in my mind she is looking to take over my place in her son’s life (albeit in a different way… not as a lover/wife) and that she’s out to be mother to my children.

I am so insecure that I actually push people away from me when they get too close.  I am afraid of letting out all of my emotions and afraid of presenting myself in a less-than-perfect light.  To do so would mean that I outwardly show my imperfections and allow people to become critical and non-accepting of me.

In my 28 years on this planet I have become somewhat of a chameleon.  I take certain personality traits that I like about people and meld them into my own persona.  Doing this has made me confused about certain parts of my personality.  Even though I know who I am…. I am afraid to be who I am for fear that no one could really accept me.

Irrationality at its finest.

I know the problem… now the question becomes…

How do I overcome these insecurities?  How do I accept myself in whole no matter what?

For once, I want to feel good about who I am and not compare my value to others.  I want to allow myself to be strong in my convictions and lastly, I need to come to an acceptance that I am beautiful inside and out no matter what my weight might be.

My biggest fear is that I will still be fighting the same issues well into my 50s.  I want to present my children with a positive woman role model and I want to move on from this and enjoy my life!

I’m just not sure what the first step should be…