Finding the motivation to lose weight is easy.  Inspiration is in abundance when it comes to getting healthy, especially on the internet.  Whole online communities are created so that people like me can have a strong support group and make new friends.

The problem is… i’m having trouble getting started.  I am addicted to fast food and carbs.  I have been very conscious lately of what I have been putting in my mouth.  That is, I am aware of what I eat and no matter how bad it might be for me, I continue to eat it.

Part of my bad habits when it comes to food is the emotional response to the baby crying or the kids crying and/or misbehaving.  I am attuned to eating because simply because of emotion.  In fact, more than half the time I eat because of emotion and not of hunger.  I don’t give my body a chance to get to the hunger part.

I want to exercise but am on restriction due to the c-section.  I have another month to go before I can get into a routine.  So, it is almost as though I am subconsciously telling myself to eat, drink and be merry because I really can’t start this journey until I am off exercise restriction.

Realizing this is somewhat disheartening because I feel like I am oh-so-close to success, yet so indescribably far away emotionally.  I think the next step to take is to be held accountable for my weight loss.  So far, I have only admitted to my husband that I want to get healthy and begin living again.  Still… husb has a hard time supporting me with the weight loss decision because he fights the same demons.  In that way, we are not good for eachother because we keep advocating the sickness.

In all of this of one thing I am certain:

Talk is cheap.  Time to put my money where my mouth is.

The last month of my pregnancy went off without a hitch.  My doctor prescribed a low-dose of Zoloft and I felt like a new woman to say the least.  Finally, I was excited about my pregnancy, being a mom and life in general did not suck anymore.  It didn’t solve everything, though the meds did make it so that I felt less emotional on things.  Basically, I didn’t cry, scream, yell, or otherwise overreact to situations that had no merrit.  Six weeks without crying about stupid things and/or giving stupid things a second thought has been heavenly to say the least!

Then, I found myself in the hospital just having had my baby only to find that the doctors and nurses were worried about him because of his breathing. His breaths would come rapidly and though he could eat through it, there was cause for concern because they were afraid the formula would end up in his lungs instead of his stomach.

Talk about all the emotions hitting me at once!  I balled like a baby when the nurse was telling me that I may have to be discharged without my baby.  I almost had to leave him at the hospital and then visit him everyday until they deemed we could take him home.  I felt immeasurably devastated over that news.  I wanted to be strong then… but I just couldn’t.

The day of my discharge was fairly stressful emotionally.  I sat in my room waiting up until the very last minute to hear if my baby boy would be able to come home with us.  The nurse checked his breathing 3 times before the final few minutes and miraculously his breathing slowed to 55 all three times!

The emotional sabbatical was nice.  I felt able to cope with everyday things.  In some ways, I have to admit that in some wacky way, I wanted to be numb for the scary experience with the baby in the hospital.  I wanted to be strong for him and felt that by crying … it meant I wasn’t strong.  What I learned, is that I love my baby and did not want anything bad to happen to him.  I WANTED to take him home with me.

In essence, I felt a little relieved as I was afraid that I would feel removed from the baby as I felt at times… removed from my pregnancy.  So having the emotional reaction and feeling it so deeply in my heart and soul and feeling the love for my little guy seep through every pore in my body was refreshingly relieving.