I finally did it.  I spoke with my doctor about depression, postpartum depression and impending ppd.  He was extremely not helpful.  He said that it was probably 3rd trimester hormones and then basically left it up to me to decide whether or not I wanted anti-depressants.  Of course, my first thought was for the baby.  I wanted to make sure that the baby would not be harmed if I chose to go on anti-depressants.  He said that the baby (at this point) is fully formed so no harm should come.

I chose the anti-depressants.  I know myself to the degree that I know when i’m not feeling like “me”.  I asked him for a low-dose of something.  He proceeded to say that it is not a magical pill that makes everything all better.  My reaction:  DUH.  I just want to feel more even with my emotions.  I’m asking to feel “okay” rather than down all the time with my mind racing.  What I have been through has hardly been a pleasant experience for me.  I certainly do not expect any pill to “make it all better”.  I just want to feel a little less like I am down all the time and going to go insane.  Too much to ask?  I think not.

I have to admit that after the appointment, I balled like a baby.  This has been coming to a head for so long.  You have no idea how much courage it took to actually open up to the doctor about it.  I finally admitted to myself that I needed help and I finally sought it.  The sucky thing is, that my doctor was less than supportive.  His bed manner sucked quite frankly.

It has been exactly 1 week and 1 day since I have been taking the pills.  To my delight, I feel “even-keeled” emotionally.  My thoughts aren’t racing, I am not crying like a mad woman one minute and just plain old sad the next, I feel nothing and I feel not so overwhelmed.  Even my focus has gotten on track!

Depression aside, there are things within me that I want to change.  This is something no pill can do for me.  I wasn’t looking to take anti-depressants to feel happy, I just wanted to feel not sad and without hope.

The next phase of “finding myself” will include digging deeper into some personal issues I have not dealt with.  There are things I need to do in order to find my happy spot in life.

I have to say, I enjoy my anonymity at the moment.  I can come here and post whatever I want and not worry about the prying eyes and plentiful opinions of people who know me.  The charm to this is that I can get through whatever I am going through without a mountainous load of opinions.  That’s why I started this blog.  I want to grab whatever peace and quiet I can so that I can figure out how to get better.

Yes.  Opinions are plentiful in my life.  I get lots of opinions and “how to” hints from my family and even hubb’s family (every once in awhile).  It’s not the opinions that bother me persay, it’s the judgment behind those opinions.  Because you know… someone somewhere thinks i’m fucking nuts or lazy or both.

I don’t think i’m screwed up.  Truth be told, I think I have a lot of things that go through my mind on a daily basis because I have nothing better to think about.  I’m just a depressed pregnant woman who is looking for some relief.  In any case, this is nothing that happy pills and consistency cannot solve.  Though don’t tell me to start “positive thinking”.  My mother in law told me this the other day and I looked at her like she was nuts.  This coming froma woman who was on depression meds about 5 years ago.

On good days, I can think positive (to a point…because something is always a little gray even on those days).  On bad days, forget it.  Positive thinking on a bad day is like a poor person wishing for a million dollars… it’s only something to think about but not something that will actually happen.

I like the fact that I have this “anonymous” blog.  It makes me feel a little less open to the public.  Sure, if someone (or a bunch of people) start reading this thing, then i’ll be open to public opinion.  Let’s face it though… if that would happen, I would still remain anonymous.

My dear hubb is having a hard time right now.  He is stressing out about his current job situation and really starting to put pressure on himself.  At least, for today.

His current job pays him *okay* but not for what he does.  He’s a computer guy who does a little bit of everything.  His boss still sees him as a sales guy, but he does so much more than that.  He fixes computer issues, maintains client communication, has working knowledge of computer networks, has working knowledge on a variety of different software, he is proficient on both the Mac and the PC.  In short, he is a sales manager, a service guy, a network engineer and all of the above.  He has been in the industry for 12+ years and has never stopped learning.

He is a huge asset to the company he works for, but unfortunately, the company does not like to pay out or reimburse him.  For instance, he goes on both sales and service calls and only gets a set mileage amount per month.  However, his phone expenses are also taken out of his mileage expense check.  He uses the phone primarily for business purposes.

His last raise was October of ‘06 and that was after 8 years of no raise or compensation.  The company offers medical benefits but because they are so small, we couldn’t afford to have the family included on as it would cost us half his paycheck just for medical insurance every month.  There’s no 401k plan to speak of.  No bonuses and basically nowhere to advance.

To say he feels *stuck* in his position is at this point an understatement.  Our state is in the worst financial situation ever and so jobs are hard to come by.  Even low-wage employment is hard to come by here.

He wants to quit his job on one hand because it offers very little in terms of the future and on the other hand, he has been with the company for 12+ years so the comfort level is the most enticing thing that keeps him there.  He is the “go to” guy.

The company made a mistake in stockholders awhile ago.  One of the owners was found to have been embezzling company profits for years and years.  As a result, it was hard to kick him to the curb as they had to not only pay him off for his investment (even though he stole from them), they also had to pay his attorney fees, which were atrocious.

The employees have been “paying” for that mistake ever since.  Now that the rotten boss is all paid up, the other stockholders want to continue to roll in the green without compensating the employees who have all worked so hard to keep the company afloat for years.  It’s a pretty crappy situation.

The sad part is, his boss knows that he is loyal to a fault and uses that to take advantage of his good nature.

It’s frustrating because hubb doesn’t feel like he is doing all that he can to keep us going financially.  He feels like he should be doing better.  I know that he is working his hardest.  There is nothing else out here where we live.

So, we’re considering a move out of state.  Both of us feel that this state is a sinking ship because all of the eggs have been placed in one shaky economic basket.

I feel so frustrated for him.  Especially because I know that he deserves something better.  Not that he is entitled to it by default, but just because he works so darn hard and is so darn talented and good at what he does.

Today I found out that because we sent our tax stuff via Turbo Tax and paid our Turbo Tax fee by utilizing some of our tax money, our stimulus check will come by snail mail.  This means that we will not get it until July some time.

As soon as I heard this I broke down in uncontrollable tears.  Why?  Well, the tax stimulus money was the last bit of money we needed before looking for a minivan.  I figured as soon as May rolled around we’d have it made in the shade.  I thought that finally, the kids and I could get out of the house instead of being trapped behind these walls.  Walls that are definitely closing in day by day.

After five minutes of boo-hooing, I got ahold of myself.  After all, I chose the life of a stay at home mom.  I was the one who wanted to be home with my children so that I could not only focus on them but also on school (I am in college full time as well… in case I forgot to mention).  This kind of thing means sacrificing any luxuries or last-minute purchases.  Not that the minivan would have been a last minute purchase, we have been saving for awhile now.

Still, what’s the difference in a couple of months?  I figure I need to focus on turning the backyard into happy fun land for the kids.  On Saturday we are going to go garage sale-ing.  I am hoping to find some fun outdoor toys!  *fingers crossed*

In any case, I figured five minutes of boo-hooing is better than five minutes of rage or worse…. a whole night of boo-hooing.

It’s strange…

some days, I feel okay… dare I say a little happy.  Other days, it’s as if someone has switched off the light inside my head and I travel back down the dark rabbit hole and await for the cobwebs to start eating my brain.

Today, isn’t one of those days.  I actually notice that the sun is shining and I smile.  My temper is kept in check with the kids.  Owbie pushed his sister off of the coffee table earlier today and instead of losing my cool, I calmly told him to go stand in the corner for a timeout and think about what he did.  4 minutes later, he came out of the corner and gave her a hug.  He then gave me one too.

I did not feel frustrated or annoyed.  For once, I just felt calm.

We had a good weekend, my family and I.  Hubb gave me some time to work on the term paper due for my philosophy class.   The kids were strangely on their best behavior.

Hubb asked me what I wanted for mother’s day.  My reply?  Just a nice day out with my family.  I thought it would be super fun to make a picnic lunch and take the kids to a great big park.  I would rather spend time with my family on that day.  I don’t need expensive gifts or an evening out…. just being with hubb and the kids is all I need.

I know that a lot of my mood swings and depression can be chalked up to the pregnancy.  I am afraid of the impending postpartum depression after the pregnancy, that’s for sure.  I will remind my doctor next week.  I don’t want to take the chance on being a total wreck after the birth.  My kids are too important to me.

I came to grips with the situation involving my dad.  It isn’t my responsibility to make him be a grandpa.  Nor is it my responsibility to take care of my brother.  My parents need to take care of their children and I need to take care of mine.  It is as simple as that.  It doesn’t make me a bad person because my father doesn’t want to give up watching Fox News for a weekend to see his grandkids.  It also doesn’t make me a bad person that my Marine brother wants to come home and I don’t have the funds to pay for it.  As much as I love my brother, the situation isn’t mine to handle.

The weight of the world does not have to end up on my shoulders.  Sometimes, I have a habit of taking responsibility for things that are not my responsibility.  It can be chalked up to the guilt-thing I was talking about in an earlier post.

Now, to remember that everything is not my responsibility or fault will be another uphill challenge.  Pregnancy amnesia has me forgetting a lot of things lately.

It’s raining here.  As surely as the rain drops are falling down the window panes, so do the tear drops on my face.  I am miserable.  I am having a rough week and I just want to crawl under the covers in my bed and sleep for the longest time.

I’m on the last leg of my pregnancy with roughly 8 weeks to go.  Week 30 has found me to be an emotional wreck.  I’m extremely short-tempered with the kids and it seems like I am yelling at them more frequently than normal.  The thing is, I love my children so much.  They are the rising and setting sun to me.  I really don’t like to yell at them yet it seems I pull that discipline tactic out of my hat more often than not.

Today, some of my tears were over the conversation I had with my mother yesterday.  Things were okay and then she laid a big guilt trip on me about my brother coming home from the Marines.  My oldest brother (Mikey) and I were going to try and put some money toward his ticket so that it would make it easier for him to come home.  The thing is, hubb and I have neither a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.  This can be taken literally and figuratively.  If I had money, I would most certainly pay for the whole thing but I have none and a third child on the way to boot.  Still, somehow, I end up being a selfish daughter and the financial burden to bring my brother (Meb) home from Japan must rest on my mother’s shoulders once again.  Well, what the hell?  She is his mother and is responsible for that sort of thing.  I have 2 (almost) 3 children of my own to take care of and bankroll for.

This just brings me back to my childhood where she would put an extreme amount of pressure on me.  I helped raise my little brothers and take care of the household.  Sometimes, it felt as though I were a 30 year old living inside the body of a 12 year old.  I had kids before I had a period.  I don’t blame my parents for these things as I don’t think they had a choice.  In the end it made me a more mature and capable person but still, they coddle and baby my brothers (who are 25, 20, and 18 respectively).  They expect me to do the same.  They don’t have faith that my brothers can handle things on their own.  It’s really sad.

On the other hand, I have 2 children of my own who barely get to see their grandparents.  My mother tries hard to make an effort to see the kids.  She really does.  My father on the other hand, makes no effort at all and then expects all of the effort to fall on MY shoulders.  He’s seen my children a total of maybe 6 times in 4 years.  Owbie is only 3 1/2 and Pretty is 16 months.  So she has only seen my dad 3 of the 6 times.

I feel like I have to force him to give a fuck.

My mom cares but does very little to change the situation.  If my dad wants something, he gets it.  If he doesn’t want something, then she doesn’t do it either.  She makes a bit more of an extended effort (so I really don’t feel like I can be mad at her about this).  My dad on the other hand, makes no effort whatsoever.  In the 10 years I have lived here, my father has come to visit me only once (for Owbie’s baptism).  His vacation time is eaten up by events on his own side of the family.  I’m having my final baby this year, but he is using the rest of his vactation time to attend the wedding of my cousin.  Do you think he could spare a couple of days for his own daughter and his new grandchild and current grandchildren?  Nope.

I try so hard to be understanding and non-selfish when it comes to my parent’s attention and affection.  On the other hand I ask…. when do I get a turn?  When do my children become suddenly important to my father?  My mom tries to tell me that dad loves his grandkids and loves getting things for them.  In reality, I think she is blowing a big wad of smoke up my butt.  The truth is, he doesn’t care.  The only thing he cares about is my mom (which is a good thing) and getting to have HIS time.  Actions speak louder than words.

So all of this crap is coming to a head and i’m sitting here “crying it out”.  Whenever it comes to my parents, i’ve always gotten the short end of the stick.  Their attention has always been toward my brothers.  I love my brothers.  So, there’s no jealousy there.  Only pent up anger toward my parents.  I have tried to talk to them in the past but it falls on deaf ears.

Right now, my brother Mikey is the one who my kids know the most from my family.  Mikey makes an effort to be apart of my life and I make an effort to be apart of his.  We actually are extremely supportive of one another.  It’s a good bond that we have.  It is only a matter of time before my other two brothers (Meb and Shark) are brought in to the bond.

Coming full circle here:  I really don’t want to end up like my parents.  I really want to treat my children with love, respect and encouragement no matter what age they are.  I want to show each of them how important they are to me.

No wonder I eat to numb the pain.  It’s better than facing stuff like this.